Finding the Balance
by InkedMind16
Summary: Auren had left the world she had known 8 years ago. She hid in fear but when the force shows her the war unfolding, she can no longer sit by. Re-joining old friends, she must overcome herself to protect those who she loved and who she has come to love. [POE/OC] among other things... hints of Reylo...
1. Chapter 1 - Arrival on D'Qar

Arriving on D'Qar had been a trial.

I had tried to convince some of the rebels to allow me on board one of their vessels which had tried to get resources in secret. Using my tongue rather than my gifts was something I had to make the active decision to do. It was a giveaway and incredibly easy which didn't show patience – something someone had forced me to evaluate within myself. It took some convincing and some amount of credits but eventually they allowed me on board.

The rebels had ushered me off the ship quickly upon landing. I saw a familiar face and felt my resolve quiver.

"General Organa…" I smiled awkwardly and saw the same expression mirrored in her face. The rebels who had so eagerly allowed me on their ship, stood patiently waiting to be reprimanded.

"Auren, it has been a long time," Leia said as she walked towards the entrance to the base and waved the nosy rebels away.

"Yes, it certainly has." The door opened instantly as Leia approached. She walked slower than I remembered but she was older now. Once in the corridor, she turned expectantly and raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you here?"

"I heard about Han Solo, I am here to deliver my sympathies and… to offer my services," I sighed. I could feel my bun slipping out of its place but I gripped my hands so tightly behind my back that I couldn't bear to move to fix it. Leia looked me dead in the eye.

"Thank you," She stated. "But I don't need your sympathies – I do however need your services. We found a girl…"

"Rey," Leia looked surprised. "I'm not too sure on the details but I got the gist of what has happened," I shrugged. "I had my first vision in the many years since... It's why I sought you out. I can no longer run. The force will not allow it… I can no longer sit by stuck in my fear…"

Leia smiled knowingly. She knew what I meant. She could feel it as strongly as I could.

"I will help you in any way I can," I said as I bowed. My loose tendrils of red hair dropped down into my face. I tucked them away as I stood.

"I know you will," Leia said as we entered the command room.

…

Most of my time spent on the base was spent fixing any technical errors and assisting with basic research. Most people didn't know who I was or why I was suddenly there but the first time I fixed a problem with the hot water in the showers I was left plenty of respectful breathing room.

But I was also lucky to be given adequate time to meditate.

Sitting cross-legged on an empty stretch of runway, I could feel the eyes on my back. I focused on my breathing and finding it. The space in between everything was constant and required a disciplined focus of mind. The focus was never something I struggled with. It was everything else - the acceptance of things, the visions and the persistent fight for balance.

I heard footsteps behind me and I opened my eyes slowly. I looked up to see the famous Poe Dameron gracing me with his presence.

He was wearing his orange jumpsuit. I could tell he had returned from a flight and felt drained but he was still smirking. When I first arrived on base, he didn't seem to notice me until Leia asked for me in the command room. Then he tried to ask me out for a drink. I gently declined. I got the feeling it wasn't so much about me but about my relationship with Leia he was interested in.

Poe was fascinated by my need to meditate daily. Any time he was on base, he usually tried at least a couple of times to distract me. Once he even threw small pebbles at me.

"Do you always have to interrupt my meditations? Do you see someone at peace and think to yourself 'that's enough of that'?" I teased.

"General needs ya," Poe smirked, ignoring my jabs. "Our new plan, or something. I've been told I'm too reckless to give advice on such things."

"Ah yes, I remember something of her last lecture about being Poe the Hero," I chuckled as I stood. I grabbed my satchel and swiftly put it on.

"You don't think I'm _that_ bad," Poe said as he walked with me to the doorway. His arm brushing mine.

"Well I watched you ask out one of the ground crew with a line that went 'I'm Poe – y'know Poe Dameron War Hero…' so it's clearly unfounded," I laughed as he stopped in his tracks and huffed. I walked close to him and placed a pale hand on his tan cheek. "Sometimes Poe, I think you need to meditate more than me." I gave his cheek a gentle pat before turning to walk to the command room alone. I could sense his eyes on me the whole way.

When I entered the command room, Leia stood quietly near the main console. I took my place next to her usually close enough to whisper or at least appear to.

 _What do you need?_ I pushed the thought into her head as I sensed a disquiet in her.

 _Rey has found Luke, will they return soon?_ She looked at me.

 _No, I know that for sure_. I glanced around the room before meeting her gaze once again.

 _We must stay vigilant._ I nodded in agreement.

"Auren, I need to know your thoughts on the idea of sending a small team to Tatooine to retrieve one of our agents," Leia said. She paused before continuing. " I would like to know your thoughts of sending you as part of the team."

Realization hit me like a brick wall. There was a possibility that I would need to be able to fight.

"I will follow your orders, General," I stated. I tried not to look worried.

 _You can't hide forever_ , she spoke into my mind.

"I need to have someone with foresight on the mission, and you… are the best person for thinking through decisions."

I grimaced but nodded as Leia turned to the other commanders and detailed the plan.


	2. Chapter 2 - Here's the plan kind of

I returned to my quarters to change but decided to head to the showers instead. I let the water flow over me as I considered the implications of the day. To find a field agent who had got too caught up in a gambling ring on Tatooine, it would take some amount of patience. It would be my first field mission in the month since I had arrived. It wasn't the prospect of fighting that worried me. I was more worried about being around everyone in close quarters. Especially Dameron. The water washed the sweat of the day from me and I took a minute to breathe.

I wrapped the towel around me as I headed back to my quarters.

I was barely in the room two seconds when I felt someone loitering outside my door. I pulled on my trousers and scrambled to get ready.

"Come in," I said as I pulled on my change of shirt. I carefully slide my bag under the sheets with the force as the door opened.

Poe stood in the doorway with unease. His jumpsuit hung open to his chest and revealed a tattered vest.

"You can come in," I said then caught my reflection. My red hair was soaking wet and leaving a dark patch on my shirt. My green eyes flicked up to notice Poe watching me closely. Something in his eyes stirred within me.

"I will be accompanying you to Tatooine," Poe said as he let the door close behind him.

"I know," I said. I found a hair tie and quickly pushed my messy hair into a tight bun.

"I just wanted to know what your role will be," Poe smiled as he walked further into the room. He picked up one of my books left on the shelf near my bed. "The way the General spoke, she wants you to take the lead."

"Oh - am I stepping on your toes, Dameron?" I smirked.

"No – not at all," Poe smirked. "Apart from being a good plumber, I just don't really know your background…and I don't know…" He rambled off and met my eyes. I could sense his doubt.

"… How to trust someone you don't know?" I finished his train of thought. He looked away embarrassed he had given himself away so easily. "If you don't trust me Poe, I can understand but you need to trust General Organa. You'll understand my skillset soon enough, I know you're impatient but you'll have to wait until we're on Tatooine."

"I do trust the General," He stated simply. His thick brown hair needed a wash and his facial hair needed attention too. He looked unkempt which wasn't unappealing but he wasn't himself.

"Anyways I think you need to clean yourself up – I know we're going to Tatooine which is a dire place to be but you still need to look like you're there to splash the credits not beg for them," I joked as I fixed my leather jacket. I rarely wore robes anymore – let alone on the base, I didn't want to look like I was imitating Rey. Poe looked at me intently. I had to remind myself to stay out of his mind. He had a way of sucking me in…

"Poe, you can't keep blaming yourself," I sighed. "And you can't keep everyone at arm's length."

He looked at me with confusion. His brow furrowed.

"One of your squad let slip about your capture by Ky-" I started to say, knowing it was a lie. I could see it clearly in his head. He was struggling.

"Don't," He said quickly. "They shouldn't have said anything – I'm fine." Poe ran a hand through his hair and moved back to the door. He stood by the door and took a deep breath.

"I know," I whispered. The door shut behind him and left me in the silence.

…

"We are not taking your ship, and we're not taking one of those either," I pointed at one of the carriers in the hanger. I turned to Poe and the other rebels. Jessika Pava nodded in agreement but Poe turned and she looked away shyly.

"Well I guess we have to take this," Poe pointed at a VCX-100 light freighter.

"Wow," I smiled. "Not seen one of them in a while." Poe returned the smile.

"Right let's get ready," Poe signalled to the ship. "We need to stop looking like the resistance."

I grinned when he looked at me. We headed on board and my hands were sweating.

Clothing wasn't hard to come by especially in Lost and Found but Leia had made special arrangements.

I forced the rusted armour over my green suit and picked up the mask. I was thankful for the gloves.

Poe Dameron had changed his Resistance leather jacket for another leather jacket which was black instead of brown and I just chuckled to myself. His hair was washed and he was clean-shaven. Under the ambient lighting of the rusting ship, he looked more handsome than usual.

"What?" He asked.

"You look _so_ different," I said, my voice laced with a touch of sarcasm, as I strapped a blaster to my belt.

I picked up my satchel and took out the lightsaber quickly to hide it in one of my belt pouches. Poe was too busy admiring Jessika who had volunteered to be the slave. I couldn't do it and her dress was so tight. She looked amazing. I had never seen her in anything but her flight suit. It hugged her breasts perfectly. I swallowed. Her brown hair was slightly curled from letting it air dry.

"Dameron – if you wink at me, I will kill you," Jessika scolded. I averted my eyes when she caught me looking.

"So… what are our covers?" Poe smiled. He looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Just so we're all on the same page." He was trying to poke fun at me but he needed the leverage first.

"You know exactly what our covers are," I laughed. "Jim?" Jim poked his head around from the back. "You're staying with the ship, do you have a blaster?" He nodded and disappeared again. He was an odd little Talpini dude with lots of wrinkles and I had never heard him speak.

I looked at the mask in my hand. It was scuffed and probably taken from a bounty hunter with a great deal of violence.

"You guys ready?" Jessika asked. The air felt tense.

"Let's do this," I tried to smile but the nerves were eating me alive.


	3. Chapter 3 - Throwing the punches

Once we'd landed. I felt worse. The urge to vomit was strong but I stuffed it down deep. I took in a breath and looked at Poe as the landing doors opened. He reached out and squeezed my shoulder. He knew exactly what I was thinking and he didn't even need to have the force to know it. I put on the mask.

"Let's go," I said and my voice came through crackled and distorted through the voice changer. Poe smirked.

We landed quite far out but not far enough to make Jessika struggle. Approaching the city, I felt something ripple around me. I brushed it off. Poe walked behind us. His blaster was strapped to his thigh. I stopped and turned as we reached a safe distance from the first landing area.

"Time to get tied up," I winked at Poe.

I placed the chains around Jessika's neck and attached it to my belt. Poe sucked in a breath.

"C'mon Poe," I said as I produced the cuffs. He pouted and put his hands together.

"I just don't like to be one handcuffed, I'm usually the one putting the handcuffs on someone else," He winked. He was trying to be funny but I knew this brought back memories for him, some good and some bad.

"Oh, I know," I smirked then realized he couldn't read my expression. I reached down and stepped close to remove his blaster. I felt his breath hitch. Jessika chuckled. "Right my bounty let's get you sold."

…

I hated Tatooine. I had spent some time here after… after Luke had ran. The Mos Espa spaceport was vast and wide. For a desert planet, it was fairly developed. I dragged Poe harshly as we entered the bar. I searched for the raider dressed in torn and bandaged brown armour. He sat in one of the booths and I approached with care. I could sense Poe's discomfort at being chained and Jessika wasn't much happier.

I pulled roughly at them both and caused Jessika to stumble. I growled as I stepped up to the booth and pushed Poe in first.

"Hear you're the guy I talk to about the bounty on this idiot's head," I stated as the voice changer made me sound more confident than I felt. The man looked up. His head was shaved on all sides except a random spiked tuft of hair on the top. His face was riddled with scars and he hadn't washed in weeks.

"I might be," He leaned forward and popped the toothpick out of his mouth to rest it on his bottom lip. He was doubting my authenticity. I pulled out Poe's blaster and placed it on the table. "But I don't know you, so why the hell would I offer you a deal? When there's plenty of _men_ in here that could kill you right now." He flicked his eyes to his right and I didn't even need to follow his gaze. I knew about the men who had just taken their safety off their blasters sitting at the bar.

I grimaced and reached into his head. His mind was filthy but if I could find a face he trusted I could use it.

"I'm new to this system," I said. "Vosca said you would be able to help me, maybe he was wrong. I think he did mention you were a squirrely little rat who left him for dead once." I rested my hand on the blaster. I could sense Poe's surprise mix with the raider's. The raider raised his eyebrows. He relaxed a bit.

"So, what do you want for this, then?" He gestured to Poe. "Who is he? He looks too clean to be worth anything." He swiveled the toothpick on his lip.

"This is one of the resistance fighters," I leaned back and remained calm.

"Will you guys get to the point?" Poe smirked and went to speak again. I punched him in the face. _Keep your mouth shut,_ I thought to myself. We had talked about it. Jessika gasped. I shot her a look but I knew my mask was covering any signals I was sending so I pulled the chain softly.

"Shut it," I said sternly.

The raider laughed.

"I've sold them before," He shrugged. "Not worth much."

"This isn't any fighter," I tilted my head. "This is Poe Dameron, the _former_ Wing Commander." The raider's eyes lit up. Poe pushed himself back up to a seated position and rubbed his jaw.

"Which is why he's so clean," The raider noted. He nodded if suddenly everything made sense.

"Can't damage the merch," I replied. "Not too much… some people would pay a lot of credits to have this guy." I reached out a soft hand to run it through his hair and grabbed a hold roughly before pushing him away.

"You don't want credits?" The raider asked as he leaned forward.

"You've got someone I want," I stated.

"Oh, really?" The raider raised an eyebrow before chewing the toothpick with a thought.

"Vosca said you might have Jephego Novar," I stated coldly. Don't show any emotion. "I want Jephego and I want her in exchange for Dameron."

The raider sat back and considered this.

"How did you find out I had her?" The raider rested his hand on his own blaster and I saw the guys at the bar shift.

"Vosca hinted at it," I leaned back and feigned nonchalant which my face was not showing. I was thankful for the mask.

I struggled not to force myself into his head further. He was a raider and stupid but that would be a push too far. He would realize. I was adept at it but not an expert. I'm sure if I was as careless as Kylo Ren, I would just take what I need. I had to play fair… which was a slow process.

The raider didn't buy my story. I could tell.

"Jephego stole from me, and I don't like being messed with," I stated. "I know that there's a lot of credits for this man's head and I wanted to give you the offer before I took her." I sounded cocky but I knew the raider was doubtful which made him scared. I slammed my fist on the table in anger and grabbed the raider's collar. He nearly choked on his toothpick. I laughed. The guys at the bar jumped up but the raider waved them off.

"Okay, let's just remain civilised," the raider choked out.

"Do you have her or not?" I demanded. I could sense Poe's concern and I knew he was itching to grab his blaster. I dropped the raider who fell back down into his seat. The raider smiled.

"Meet me in hanger 498 in an hour."

I paced while I waited in the hanger. It felt like a trap but I knew the raider wasn't that smart. My face was sweating and I ripped off the mask. I dabbed my brow as Poe watched me carefully from a crate he was leaning against. He was still in cuffs and Jessika was sitting on the ground next to him.

"How did you know all that stuff about… who was it Vosca?" Poe looked angry. He wasn't sure if I had betrayed them or not.

"It was information the General got me," I stated confidently but I didn't meet his eye.

"Bullshit," He said angrily. "You're hiding something and it's starting to tick me off." He strode in front of me and jabbed me with a finger.

"You're just upset because she punched you," Jessika sighed. "Who cares? We're getting our agent."

"Yeah! **Damn** right I'm upset," Poe exclaimed. "You punched me so hard I could taste blood."

"She had to sell it, didn't she?" Jessika rolled her eyes and cradled her head against her knees. She had known Poe for a while and she knew when he was just trying to assume control of a situation.

"When this is done you need to be straight with me – us! I mean us," He said simply as he stifled his frustration. I looked down at the data pad attached to my armour and realized it had been one hour. He was coming.

"Right, Poe shut up! Now is not the time for this 'cause he's coming," I pushed him back against the crate and grabbed my mask. It was time to do this.


	4. Chapter 4 - Dodgy Deals in Mos Espa

The raider pulled a battered and bruised Jephego into the hanger. He had brought three thugs with him. I grimaced. Something felt off.

"This is a simple exchange," I said. "What's with the back up?" I gestured to the ugly brutes with Poe's blaster.

"I contacted Vosca," The raider walked slowly around me. I swore quietly so the mask didn't pick it up. "He had never heard of you."

"He's a liar, you knew that," I said and thought through all the various options that could play out.

"Yeah which is why when I said you had Dameron, he swore that Dameron had escaped from the First Order just under 6 months ago," The raider shrugged. "I'm happy to do business but as you lied about how you found out about me, I want the slave as well. The credits I get for Dameron will more than compensate for the lying but the slave is to make up for disrespecting me." He rested a hand on his belt and smiled a smile only thieves know.

"That was not my deal," I stated. "But I will take it."

The raider told the brutes to drag Jephego forward. She was a Twi'Lek and her tentacles were covered in cuts. I sucked in a breath. Her pain was radiating from her. I grabbed her roughly and signaled for Poe to walk forward but then the raider drew his gun and aimed it at me. He pulled the trigger and I reacted out of reflex. I pushed Jephego behind me and dodged the bullet. Then they all started firing.

"Poe!" I screamed and reached out to him as he ran towards me but I threw his blaster in his direction. He looked shocked but in a split second, his cuffs popped off. He grabbed the blaster and watched his cuffs fall to the ground. He blinked then started to fire off quick shots as he ran for cover. I pulled the other blaster off my belt and shot out at them as I dragged Jephego to hide behind a crate with Jessika. I undid her chains and handed her my blaster, "Take this."

"But then you won't have a gun," Jessika said but turned her head to the firing idiots.

"I don't need it. I need you to protect our agent," I whispered. I removed my mask and reached into my pouch. I turned to Poe who was hidden behind a crate off to my right. "Poe! I need you to cover me!"

"What! Are you crazy?" He shouted. "You're not even armed!" He squirmed as he fired over the crate.

"This is your last chance!" I shouted. The firing paused. I stood up and walked out with the lightsaber in my left hand. The raider laughed as he shot once and I dodged it.

"What the-"He exclaimed. I pressed down and ignited my lightsaber. I ran forward with my blade above my head and brought it down on his arm. He cried out in pain. I spun and landed a forceful kick on his ribcage as he fell. He looked at his arm and started crying. The brutes all lounged at once and I heard my backup start firing as the brutes at me. I forced one back as he hit the wall. Another ran towards. Poe landed a paralyzing shot in his leg and the last one ran screaming towards. He was incredibly small. I drove my lightsaber through his blaster and touched his forehead. He dropped instantly.

The raider pushed a button on the Armour of his detached arm and I knew more were coming. He was part of a larger crime syndicate who hated being tricked. I landed a strong kick to his face and he was out. The one I had flung across the room was back however. He was much larger than the rest. I smiled and ran towards him. I landed several minor blows which led to him kneeling on the ground.

" _You will let us leave and tell your friends we have escaped to the south,"_ I stated. The brute repeated it back to me in a dull tone. Poe laughed as he came to stand behind me supporting Jephego between him and Jessika. I turned and pressed down on my datapad.

"Jim? We need an expedited pick up in the landing bay asap!" I shouted. I heard a grumble in response and assumed it was an affirmative. We dragged Jephego out onto the landing bay and I saw our crap freighter struggle to hover to land. He put down the landing door and I pushed Poe ahead to take his place as a pilot. I helped Jessika pull Jephego on board. Her body was struggling with the weight.

"Let's go! Let's go!" I yelled as the landing door pulled up.

"Yes, commander," Poe saluted from the pilot's seat.

We pulled off and once we left the atmosphere, we entered hyperspace.

…

Jephego lay in the only bed on the bin of a ship. I stared at her and felt for her life force. She was weak. I sat down next to her as Jessika changed quickly into her jumpsuit. I weirdly missed her slave outfit.

"That was insane… you're a Jedi," Jessika whispered. I didn't look at her.

"It's complicated," I whispered back. I sat cross-legged next to Jephego and rested a hand on her forehead. She was weak and needed… everything. I would heal her but I was too drained. I felt faint. "Is there a med-kit on this rusting piece of history?"

Jessika assessed me and gave me a soft pat on the back.

"Yeah, I'll do it," Jessika said. "You need to rest." I sighed with the exhaustion coming over me.

"Thanks," I said softly as I left the room to speak to Poe.

I leaned down to the console and looked ahead. Space flashed by us with a blue light.

"Why didn't you say?" Poe asked quietly. He was pretending to be focused on the flight but I could sense his mind whirling.

"Why didn't I say what?" I replied. I knew exactly what he was asking but I wanted to coax it out from him.

"Why didn't you say you were like Luke Skywalker? You're a freaking Jedi," He said with a mixture of excitement and frustration.

"When was I supposed to drop that into conversation, Poe?" I dropped into the seat next to him. He was still focused on pretending. "Oh, hey Poe! How are you today? I heard we're going on a super important mission with Jessika … and oh I forgot to tell you I can move stuff with my mind and do some crazy stuff… It's not as simple as that… I'm not a jedi, I'm not a member of the order…" The tiredness was starting to overwhelm me. I felt my energy sinking.

"But…" He looked at me. "What do you mean? You're not a jedi but I watched you throw someone across a room with your mind…" He met my eyes and I sighed.

"That's not what a jedi is… it's more complicated than that... I never finished my training" I sighed. I was drained. I could feel my lids getting heavy. I curled up in the seat. "I promise I will speak to you about it when we get back to the base… I'm just too drained…" My eyes drifted shut and I fell into a deep sleep.

"Get some sleep, princess," He whispered.


	5. Chapter 5 - Kisses in Hiding

"We are cleared to land," Poe said loudly into the headset. I rubbed my eyes as I sat up. My back was aching. I looked up and noticed we weren't in D'Qar.

"Poe, what are you doing? We need to go back to base now," I asked as I edged forward in my seat to look at the planet we were approaching. I groaned. We were landing on Ryloth.

"We need supplies," Poe said confidently. "The General wants us to pick up a few things and we need to get more medical supplies… and food for you."

I looked at him.

"I could hear your stomach rumbling as you slept," Poe replied. "Plus this place is closer than Tatooine to D'Qar so the hyperspace will be quicker - slightly." He smirked as he turned to me.

"You wanted to get a drink," I laughed.

"There's a very limited amount of alcohol left on the base - I need something to celebrate with," He bit his lip and I had to look away.

"We do need medical supplies," Jessika chimed in from the back. Jim, who was sitting in the living room space, grumbled again.

"Okay I get it we need food, fuel and medicine," I agreed. I looked at Poe. "Guess it's me and you then Captain."

"I guess so," Poe smiled.

…

Lessu was the capital of Ryloth which was the home of the Twi'Lek race. I adjusted the bounty hunter armour and put my lightsaber back into the pouch as we stepped off the ship. I looked around and recognised some familiar landmarks. It was a strange city which wove around a pointed mountain of rock. It still had a wall between the city and the pit that encircled the city's boundaries. I walked slowly with Poe who was trying not to draw attention to himself.

"You been here before?" I asked simply.

"Yeah, a couple of years back," He replied. "It's not a major site for our work."

It felt strange to be out in the open like this. It almost felt romantic if it weren't for the pressing need to get medical supplies for the wounded agent.

"How about you?"

"When I was drifting, I stopped here often," I smiled. "One of the shops here sells the best desserts."

"When were you drifting?" Poe walked closer. His arm brushed mine and I struggled to not brush my fingers against his.

"A couple years back," I stated. "We need to go get medicine without being noticed, and I know where we need to go."

I grabbed his arm and tugged him along the snaking alleyways. He laughed as I strode ahead and dragged him behind me. He jogged to catch up. I stopped suddenly.

"Crap," I whispered. Someone I really didn't want to meet was coming the opposite way. I sighed. I turned abruptly and pushed Poe down a tight close. I could tell he had noticed me. I swore again.

"What is it? Why are we hiding?" Poe quizzed me.

"I know this is crazy," I hissed. "But someone I used to …" I paused looking for the right word quickly. "know?" I said but it still wasn't right.

Poe smirked.

"Somebody you used to _know_ … like know in an intimate way?" He teased. He stepped closer to me and pressed against me. Poe was smirking too much. I tried not to smile as this was a bit more serious but it was hard to take anything seriously with Poe's breath on my skin. He leaned in closer and I felt his breath on my neck.

"Yes in an intimate way," I chuckled tensely aware of the footsteps and Poe's proximity. "Does that surprise you?" I asked feeling his breath become shallower.

"I just thought… Jedi were supposed to be…" Poe pulled back up and looked me straight in the eye. "Celibate?" The word slid out of his mouth with a seductive tone. The footsteps were coming closer and he would be there any second.

"I told you I'm not a Jedi," I said firmly. I pulled Poe towards me by the front of his jacket and our lips joined instantly. He smiled. I made sure his head covered my face as a precaution then relaxed into Poe's urgent kisses. I felt myself slipping under and my hands moved up his shoulders to his hair. His tongue drifted along my bottom lip as he pressed closer.

I was caught up in him when I realised the danger had passed. I moved my hands to his chest and gently pushed him back.

"He's gone Poe," I said.

"I know," Poe smirked as he leaned in for another kiss. I put a finger to his lips.

"We've got to go," I reminded him. I tugged him back onto the path and headed to the black-market pharmacy which was very close.

…

We managed to pick up a few essentials without being completely fleeced. Poe made me pick up a couple of pastries and he managed to find himself a bottle of Kibshae, a vintage liquor, which he paid too much for. I munched on sugar covered bread as we walked back to the ship.

"I can't believe you have had-" I looked at Poe with a look that said 'really?!'. "Hear me out. Everyday at the base I saw you meditate and you barely talked to two people. One of them was usually the General. The idea of you with **anyone** is a bit strange."

"Says the guy that just tried to make out with me down a dingy alley," I smiled.

"On top of that, you appeared to be a jedi - not saying you are a jedi but to everyone else you fit the criteria - and I know Luke was never married, so I always assumed the jedi were celibate," Poe said. There was humour in his tone.

"No one said Luke was celibate," I laughed. "I've been around like I know you have. Just cause I use the force doesn't mean I'm asexual. The Jedi Order wanted their members to be without attachments like marriage, just to clarify."

"I just can't believe you never said," Poe smiled. He wasn't talking about my love life anymore.

I stopped Poe and looked him dead in the eye.

"I was there when Luke Skywalker left," I said solemnly. "I was his student." Poe's face instantly fell.

"General Organa never told me what happened exactly," Poe said. "But I know from rumours that it was bad. The Jedi academy is a horror story."

"It was a horror story – I was there," I looked away but kept walking.

Poe didn't say anything and he didn't push it.

We got on the ship and I quickly decided to help Jessika with Jephego.

I cast a glance at Poe as I closed the bedroom door. I turned to Jessika and she had a look on her face like she knew but I ignored it. I turned my attention to Jephego. She was sweating and had a fever. I sat down next to her.

"How is she doing?" I asked Jessika.

"Better but she's struggling," Jessika replied. "The medical supplies can help." I smiled. I took the antiseptic wipes and cleaned some of the wounds. Jephego's breath quickened and sounded panicked. I realized she was in a lot of pain.

"I can help her," I said. I reached a hand over the wound on her stomach which was bandaged. I removed the dressing and looked at how deep it was.

I groaned but raised my hand over it and breathed. I drew in the force and felt it swirling under my fingertips. I played with the invisible strings offered to me. I remembered what Luke had taught me. Don't fight just feel it, accept it. I finally opened my eyes and looked at the wound. It was healed and only a red line remained. I listened to Jephego's breath and it was deep – stable. Jessika was staring at me.

"I am going to – " Rest I nearly said but I fell back onto the bed with a soft thud. I heard Jessika say my name but I was under.


	6. Chapter 6 - Memories and Conversations

Arriving back on base was relatively uneventful. Poe and Jessika delivered Jephego to the medical bay whilst I spoke to Leia. The afternoon was quiet and the local wildlife chirped but it was subdued. I could see the heat in the distance causing small waves in my vision. Sweat dripped down my temple.

"Thank you for accompanying Poe," Leia said quietly as she looked at the surrounding greenery. "I was worried about his reckless behaviour." I undid my armour and threw the chest plate on the ground.

"I know," I replied. "It went well."

"Yes, it went smoothly," Leia agreed.

"I guess it had to happen at some point," I said as I crossed my arms in thought and looked at Leia with a weak smile. I wiped the sweat from my forehead with the sleeve of the sweltering outfit.

"That was unavoidable, wasn't it? You couldn't hide your gifts forever," Leia looked at me and smirked.

"I know that – it's," I paused to frame it correctly. "It's not something I enjoy seeing people react to. People idolize the Jedi Order and the way the battles have been glorified. It can be incredibly frustrating to constantly try to meet the expectations of people who've never seen the force first-hand."

"I understand that," Leia nodded. "But you don't need to prove yourself to anyone on this base." I considered some native birds pass over us.

I thought about Poe and our kiss. I had thought about Poe a lot.

"I'm not a Jedi," I stated. "I'm not a Sith. People can't cope with that."

"You are with the force," Leia said. "People have forgotten that others existed besides the Sith and Jedi."

"And the explanation of my time with…" I looked away and took a breath. "I don't know what to tell Poe about my time with…"

"With Ben," Leia confirmed and her jaw set.

"Does he know?" I asked. Poe was walking across to BB-8 who was whirling around his X Wing excitedly. Poe's face changed quickly as BB-8 stormed away from him. I crossed my arms despite the heat.

"I've never explicitly told anyone," Leia said. Poe looked up at me and winked. I blushed and turned away.

"Ben, Luke, my running away," I sighed. "It's not a conversation starter is it?"

"I understand, Ben was my son," Leia said. "With Han… gone. Only Luke, you and I will truly understand."

I nodded solemnly but knew my branding as a traitor was deep within myself not Leia. We stood in a comfortable silence. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Poe reconciled with BB-8.

Leia was watching me carefully with a new smile.

"How did you get along with Poe?" Leia nudged my arm teasingly.

"What? I got along with him just fine," I smiled and avoided her gaze. She chuckled but didn't press any further.

"When I met Han, he would make jokes and act so suave," Leia reminisced. The smile on her face was soft and full of love, curving at the corners. "He was attracted to mischief and danger but he had an honest heart… that's what counts." She placed her hand on my crossed arms and gave me a comforting pat before she walked away back to the base.

…

My room was so warm. The base was warm and stifling. As I had changed, I felt watched. The room was still yet swimming.

I made my way down the main corridor and went into one of the half covered aircraft hangers. An X-wing sat proudly. The rust was barely noticeable in the afternoon sun. From behind a crate came some beeping and gurgling. I grinned as BB-8 appeared and raced towards me. Nearly running into me, he beeped and gurgled some more.

"I know," I smiled. "I told him he was being stupid going to Ryloth."

He beeped some more. I laughed. The little robot whizzed around me as he grumbled.

"Yes, I heard about him with the girl from the med team," I smirked. "I know she's a funny one that one – she really doesn't like technology, does she?" BB-8 swivelled his head and beeped in agreement.

"How have you been since I last saw you? It feels like we keep missing each other," I asked.

BB-8 gurgled and beeped for at last a minute. "I worry about him too," I nodded. "He hasn't talked about it, has he?" BB-8 gurgled sadly. Poe was approaching with a swagger only he knew. His hair was damp and his shirt hung more open than usual. He buttoned up as he caught my eyes watching. I smiled and patted BB-8.

"Right, perk up," I ordered. "He's coming." I straightened my tunic as we both stood to attention. Poe's hands had fallen from his shirt to his belt which carried his holster for his blaster. People moved around us quickly and I heard shouts about missing parts behind me. My hand pushed a strand of red hair behind my ear as I bit my lip. Poe's eyes were on me immediately.

"Hey there," Poe winked cheekily. "You here to get a drink? Cause I'm sorry to disappoint but it's back in my quarters…" He glanced at BB-8 and chuckled. BB-8 was frozen awkwardly; his head was poised in a position that somehow looked confused.

"What were you guys talking about?" Poe asked and BB-8 started beeping quickly.

"Yeah –" I agreed. "We were talking about the freighter and how you did such a respectable job as the pilot getting us back to base." My eyes were struggling not to look Poe up and down. His trousers were freshly cleaned and seemed tighter than usual.

"Yeah… right," Poe could tell something was up. "Anyways, I was hoping we could talk alone." He looked at me and BB-8 gurgled questioningly. "Not us! Auren and I."

BB-8 huffed and ran away as he beeped and gurgled angrily. Poe chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. His brown eyes were staring into mine and I struggled to maintain eye contact as I noticed his shirt was slightly stained with some oil. His stubble was faint and accentuated his jawline.

"I was wondering if you _would_ actually like to grab a drink," Poe smiled. "Not in my quarters unless you want to… but maybe outside on the runway? Tonight?" He rubbed at the back of his neck again as he looked at me sheepishly. This was new. I remember him asking out this girl in the medical bay when I had been receiving advice about a past injury. His charm had clung in the air as she had giggled and swayed.

"Poe, I –"The Jedi teachings of possessive attachment came to the front of my head and I grimaced. I pushed it down. "Sure, say around 9? I have work to do with some of the faulty air conditioning in the canteen but after that I'm free."

Poe had stepped closer and he was unbearably close without even touching me. His lips looked so soft at this proximity. He radiated heat.

"Sure," He smiled before he turned to walk away. "Meet you here at 9."

…

I laid on the ground in the canteen with my head stuck under one of the circuits connected to the air conditioning. I hummed as I worked and pulled at some of the wires which did look like they'd been gnawed on by a very large rodent.

My thoughts began to drift beyond myself and I felt my heart slow. I thought of Luke and searched for him. He was still disconnected. I had to stop myself from searching out Ben.

I remembered his angular face contorted in laughter as we rolled around in the grass outside the Order's main building. He had poked fun at one of the other students called Peeca who had smacked himself repeatedly with a stone he had tried to levitate. I had stifled my laughter as I tried to console Peeca. Luke had scolded Ben for laughing but I could he also found it humourous. His tight frown had twitched with the effort.

One time sparring with Ben, I had realised our similarities. I could sense his turmoil as he reached out to try to strike me with the large wooden stick. I had slipped into his mind as he recoiled in defence. His mind was clouded in doubt, anxiety and confusion. When I had left with him, after that night, I knew my mind was the same.

When I learned of the Jensaarai and their quest for truth, I felt a connection. They accepted, to some extent, that there was no light without the dark just as there was no dark without the light. When I drifted through the galaxy, I felt them. They called to me.

I heard footsteps and sat up quickly. There was a bang as my forehead met the metal unit. I groaned.

Jessika was leaning over me as I crawled out. Her face was soft but there was a confusion underneath hidden in her eyes.

"Hey, was hoping to find you in here," Jessika said softly. "I hear you're having drinks… with Poe?" Her expression was a combination of suspicious and jovial. She handed me a bottle of water. I took a drink gratefully.

"Yes, why? Has he told the whole base? It's only been a couple of hours," I chuckled as I sat up.

"No, he did mention that he wasn't available after 9," Jessika said. "He's actually a pretty private guy if it's important to him – unless it's about flying or you know one night stands. So, I made an educated guess."

Poe's lips on mine was something I guiltily didn't want to be a one-time thing.

"Yeah, we're having drinks," I laughed. "What can I say? I'm a sucker for a smooth talker with good hair." Jessika grinned at that.

"He is a smooth talker," Jessika agreed as she sat down in one of the canteen chairs.

"It's just drinks anyways," I said.

"With Poe, it's not usually just drinks," Jessika said suggestively. "You forget I've known Poe for a lot longer than you have and I've seen how he is with girls. I wouldn't like to think that things between you both would be awkward if it didn't work out."

"I know," I said. "I have thought about it but I'm very tired of thinking…" Jessika nodded as she took a swig of her drink.

"Just be careful… I like you Auren, you're a good fighter," Jessika said. I was glad she didn't say Jedi. "It's a small base you know, there's only so many places you can hide."

I knew exactly what she meant.


	7. Chapter 7 - Nightcap

The night sky had a purple hue to it and was dotted with the far lights of distant suns. There were mild murmurings of small insects clicking to each other. I scuffed my boots on the tarmac as I waited for Poe. On nights like these, I was reminded of what peace was.

"Auren?" Poe called as he peeked out from behind the X Wing. I waved as he found me.

"Hey," I smiled and followed him to the grass mounds outside. He signalled for me to sit then he presented me with the glasses he had managed to find and he opened the bottle of aged alcohol. The liquid was a deep blue as he poured it. It was like neon water with no fizz. He sat beside me as I took a small careful sip.

I coughed slightly when it burned a trail down my throat.

"It's not that bad, is it?" Poe laughed. He took a big swig and grimaced as he swallowed. "Okay, it's not smooth as I remember." His curls had dried and one fell onto his forehead by design.

"It's okay," I said. "I've not drank anything like this for a long time. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've drank anything but ale for the last 3 years." The bottle sat awkwardly between us like a chaperone.

"I can't say the same," Poe grinned as he took another gulp. This time he didn't grimace. We sat side by side and looked out into the sky. The air was still stifling and I wafted myself with air. Poe let go of a large breath he had been holding in. I also tried to keep the images of Poe kissing me far outside of my head.

Several minutes passed and the desperation for conversation set in.

"Did you fix the-?"

"How was BB-"

We both spoke at the same time. We then both chuckled and looked away from each other.

"You first," I said.

"Did you fix the air conditioning units?" Poe asked as he swirled the liquid in his glass. He watched me carefully with a soft smirk.

"Yeah," I nodded. "How was BB-8? Did you manage to get over your lover's tiff?"

"He was very annoyed I never took him with me," Poe smiled and downed the rest of his drink.

We both sat there and the silence fell again.

I grabbed the bottle and poured him another glass then gave myself a top up. A breeze swept through the base. I shivered. Sitting back up, I realised Poe was watching me intently.

"This is weird, isn't it?" I smiled.

"Yep, for some reason," Poe agreed. I downed my drink and coughed profusely.

"Let's skip this bit," I said.

"Wha-"Poe looked at me funny but I grabbed the glass from his hand and pushed myself against him. His lips were soft and welcoming. He returned my hungry kisses and I felt his hands everywhere as he pushed me down against the hill of the base. His kisses became more urgent and his fingers pried at my tunic, pulling it up so his hands could find the bare skin of my hips.

Eventually Poe pulled back and lay down next to me. Both of us were out of breath.

"That was… nice," Poe said breathlessly.

"And it was just nice? Thanks Poe," I teased as I felt the blush on my face subside.

"Give me a break! I don't think I've made out like that since I was teenager," Poe laughed. "I mean it was really good."

"Thank you," I said proudly. "So, you don't make out with every girl against the side of a rebel base like a horny teenager?" I asked acting shocked.

"If I'm honest, I don't think I've made out with anyone on this base," Poe said softly. "Just to clarify, I have been with people on the base, it's usually been a quick tumble in my quarters then back to work."

I thought about this for a minute and could think of a couple of jokes before Poe started speaking again.

"What about you? Do you always make out passionately on the first date?" Poe asked. He glanced at me before looking back up at the stars.

"No, but usually I'm not on a rebel base with a pilot who likes to flirt so heavily," I smiled. "In all honesty though, I don't think I've been with anyone for long enough to make out. Hiding from the First Order did take up a lot of my time."

"What about that guy on Ryloth?" Poe propped himself on his elbow.

"I was with him a couple of years back and it was more a mutual arrangement," I said and Poe raised his eyebrows. I could tell what he was thinking. "No it wasn't for money or anything. I was drifting a lot and whenever I would come to Ryloth, we would… hook up. We knew a lot about each other… physically and it just suited us both. He was a bounty hunter and I was a drifter who had done odd jobs for some of his friends." I blushed and Poe laughed.

"I don't know why but I would have never thought of you like that. You seem so spiritual." Poe looked at me with a seriousness I hadn't seen since Ryloth.

"And spiritual people don't have sex?"

"I guess," Poe said thoughtfully. "You trained as a Jedi, didn't you? I thought you would be too busy, fighting the dark side and all that."

I looked away. I didn't want to start that conversation yet.

"You can always find time to get some," I grinned. "Anyways, you're not exactly a saint. You should really be focusing on the resistance." Poe chuckled.

"It's a good stress-reliever," Poe smiled as he leaned into to meet my lips again. I sunk into him.

…

 _"Ben?" I called. The wind howled through the camp and I watched him strike down another Padawan. "Ben!" I screamed. He turned and I didn't recognise him. His soft eyes were filled with fear and hatred. He was gone._

 _"You are with me or against me Auren," He said simply. He reached out his hand. I looked around me and realised there was only one side to take. I walked towards him._

I shot up in bed and felt a body shift next to me. I rubbed my temples. We had taken our drinks inside after the weather had taken a turn for the worse. The rain forced us indoors and the alcohol had made us very sleepy.

Poe lay next to me, still in his shirt and trousers. His hair was messy but his face looked fresh. I smiled. There were worse ways to fall sleep, but mid make out seemed fine to me. There was a tingle in my chest. I smiled as I pressed a small kiss against his forehead.

My bare feet pressed into the cold floor of Poe's Quarters. Poe stirred. I wasn't the only one with difficult dreams. His jacket hung off the edge of the wardrobe door. It was cold distressed leather with the faint smell of mechanical oil and a musk I couldn't put my finger on.

Like my quarters, there was yellowing cupboards and storage lining the walls and hidden under the bed. There was one shelf in one of the units which was lit by dimmed tungsten lights. Small trinkets were messily arranged on the surface. I found a holoprojector which was half the size of my pinkie finger. I tapped the button and watched a still image spring to life. It was a photograph of a man and woman who were grinning. The man had his arm wrapped around the woman's shoulder. The woman had hair like Poe – thick dark hair with a slight wave. The man was tan and handsome. They looked happy.

I sighed as my heart retracted slightly. My ribcage becoming fixed. I reminded myself to breathe. I tapped the holoprojector again and instead of turning off, it skipped to another image. It was Poe as a child, laughing, in his father's embrace. I smiled as the machine finally turned off.

Poe was still asleep. I checked the time and found it was only 4am.

Poe hissed and groaned in pain. His breathing became heavy and rasping. I hesitated. I kneeled next to him.

"Poe," I whispered. "Poe can you hear me? It's a dream Poe!" His breathing became heavier.

"Poe!" I said loudly. He was such a deep sleeper. I removed my hands from his shoulders. I took a deep breath as I took his hand in mine and closed my eyes.

 _Poe, wake up!_ I pushed the thought inside his mind. His hand twitched in mine. My eyes opened to see a worried Poe.

"Auren?" Poe sat up quickly. His hand ripped from mine.

"You were having a nightmare," I said as I looked away and sat back. "You were reliving a memory. A painful one."

Poe sighed as he put his hands over his eyes.

"I can't stop thinking about… it…" Poe stuttered.

"Poe, you can talk me about it you can't bottle these things up," I whispered.

"No, no I can't," Poe whispered. I thought about the alternative and took a breath.

"You can show me," I said and placed my hand with my palm facing up on the bed next to him. He sat up and looked at me. His eyes were red and watery. He looked at me as he took my hand. I nodded and closed my eyes.

 _Poe woke up tied to a metallic chair. He was sore and beaten. I could feel his bruises forming. Blood ran down his temple._

 _"I had no idea we had the best pilot in the resistance on board," An altered voice from across the room. Poe focused on Kylo Ren. His vision blurred. "Comfortable?"_

 _"Not really," Poe replied with a feigned disinterest._

 _"I'm impressed," Ren replied. "No one had been able to get out of you what you_ _ **did**_ _with the map."_

 _"You might want to rethink your technique," Poe stated sarcastically. I could sense his fear bubbling underneath the surface._

 _In front of him was the monster Ben had become; a towering man shrouded in black with a thick marked helmet. Ren held out a hand. He begun to probe into Poe's mind. I could feel the aggressive push from Ren. Poe struggled against him. His head flew back against the chair and he groaned._

 _"Where is it?" Ren asked. Poe forced his head back up._

 _"The resistance will not be intimidated by you," Poe nearly spat. The attack doubled in power. Ren brought Poe forward._

 _"_ _ **Where**_ _is it?" He repeated. Poe's head came full forward and he grunted in pain. His brain was trying so hard to repel the attack. Ren's focus was so steadfast._

 _He was reaching a breaking point and Poe screamed in pain, frustration, and weakness. He blacked out._

I pulled myself out and Poe watched me carefully. Guilt was swirling in my gut.

"I'm sorry Poe," I crawled onto the bed next to him. He faced me and took my hand.

"I tried," Poe said. "I know I tried. There was nothing I could do."

"Still, it's difficult to resist something like that when you're not a force sensitive," I said and squeezed his hand.

"It just…" He whispered. "It scares me."

"I know what that feels like," I smiled sadly. "Poe," I looked away. "I am sorry you had to go through that. Ren is a formidable user of the force."

Poe looked up.

"You've fought him," Poe said confused.

"Poe, I…" I tried not to cry.

An alarm started to go off in the base. We both jumped up.

Jessika ripped through Poe's door.

"We NEED to go now!" Jessika shouted. "The First Order is coming!"

We ran.


End file.
